I have been looking forward to hearing on the news that the pandemic is finally under control.

Haven’t we all?

That may be a long way off, but I’m curious to see if my wife and I will have fewer arguments after being given the all-clear. Recently it’s been a daily dose of ‘let’s see who gets on the other one’s nerves first’.

We both admitted that the root of our arguments is because we spend every waking moment together. Sometimes it’s the little things that spark an argument, and yet some disagreements can’t be resolved simply by having make-up sex.

We need space to miss each other like we used to.

Lock and loaded

During the lockdown, there seemed to be a lot of curiosity about how much time couples spend together. I read countless articles that had remedial steps to resuscitate an otherwise dying relationship in times of isolation.

Although advice like having actionable steps for a healthy relationship during crisis and quarantine were helpful, I wanted to know what to do with your partner after you watched the entire series of Casa de Papel’ on Netflix,

In one weekend.

It’s a case of, ok, done that, now what?

Space...the final front door!

Arguing is natural in any relationship, and unloading emotions is not so easy when there are restrictions, like going outside. If you had anything like my situation during the lockdown, trying to say, “screw you I’m leaving”, shows your partner looking at you, with arms folded, and that smug look on their face like,

“Where are you going to, huh!”. Adding insult to injury has a funny perspective upon reflection.

Allow me to explain.

Having an argument in the front room and then slamming the door behind you is counterproductive when you live in a studio apartment. That’s right, we lived in a studio at the start of this global awareness and the only place you could go is, um… the other side of the box that we lived in. We had a front room, which then turned into our bedroom.

Talk about minimal living.

In previous arguments with my wife, I’ve caught myself saying, “If you want to start talking to me again,” I’ll just be over here, in the kitchen-bed-toilet-place where we also watch TV...Sigh!”

Sometimes our arguments needed a surgical mask to prevent catching toxic insults from time to time. 

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, let me give this some contextual colour.

Orange is the new orange!

It was a Friday night during April 2020 and the lockdown was in full effect. My wife was angry with me about something…I don’t remember what it was as I tuned out halfway through her shouting. Yes, I know that could be deemed as a typical man response, however half of her colourful language was in Portuguese.

Did I mention that my wife is Brazilian? What does that mean exactly? Well, when my wife is upset, she gets really upset and starts shouting words that I just don’t understand. She has that high-pitched Rosie Perez

voice like in Spike Lee’s film “Do The Right Thing”.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097216/

When my wife is mad with me. Oh, I’m sorry, “having a discussion”, she is just, in her words,

expressing her opinion…insert eye roll here.

Yes, I know, Rosie Perez isn’t Brazilian. But trust me, if you in a relationship with someone from Brazil it’s a beautiful thing. That does, however, come with a price that you can’t afford to mess up.

That being said, the hot fiery passion of Brazilians is part of their appeal too.

Now, where was I, Oh yeah, oranges!

That Friday argument seemed to simmer, and my wife's bilingual rant had calmed down. When I say that I mean she went to sleep.

The next morning, I wanted to do something nice for her and forget the argument by going shopping and buying some eggs, beans and sausages to do a fry up breakfast in bed.

Before I continue, here’s a mild disclaimer. Do not give your Brazilian partner eggs, beans and sausages for breakfast under any circumstances, it’s a cultural no, no. My wife says that you can’t eat feijão (beans) in the morning and call it breakfast. She says that I am ‘Malluco’ (which means crazy).

So, there I was shopping in our local supermarket to make breakfast. I passed the fruit and vegetable stand and I thought how much our lack of fruit intake had dropped recently, so I picked up a massive bag of oranges. Seriously, there must have been ten big oranges in the bag but feeling rather happy with myself, I paid for the goods and confidently walked home.

All's fair in love and snore!

My wife was working from home and was on a call when I got to the front door. I didn’t disturb her and so like any responsible person of late, I grabbed the sanitiser gel and began my cleaning protocol of the goods that I bought.

A couple of hours went by and my wife had taken a break. I was busy writing and doing my thing on the computer when all of a sudden, I felt the presence of my wife behind me as she tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and there she was with one hand on hip and the other pointing in the direction of the kitchen.

My wife has a way of making me feel like 5-year-old that has done something wrong as she said in a soft-spoken voice,

“Oranges, you bought oranges”.

I tried to regain a manly stance and compose an even more manly voice, which never works with her by the way, and I said: “Yes I bought oranges”.

Now before you say anything, I’m quite perceptive and I can see ahead of time. I sensed an argument was about to ensue, so I prepared myself for another bout of wife vs me.

Then my wife said in her Rosie Perez tone,

“Rico, how many times have I told you not to buy more of something when we have enough already? Don’t you see the half bag of oranges in the fridge?

Didn’t I tell you only yesterday not to buy more oranges until we have finished these first?”

I can’t tell you the rest of the things she said. Not because it was profane or that I don’t want to, but I simply can’t translate what she was saying in Portuguese. I heard the word “Ze” something. 'Ze' is a term when you call someone stupid but as my wife says, “It’s said in a “light way”.

The following morning, she was still mad at me, but I knew there had to be a deeper reason than she expressed.

My wife could have had a civil discussion with me about the cost of things and how we have to watch every penny because of the global economic change. instead, she opted for giving me an attitude led by a shouting match about damn oranges.

Over the past couple of months, I have been very reflective about the number of arguments my wife and I have been having. To make matters worse, she has been nagging me more than before and God knows’ why her ‘Bitch mode’ is at an all-time high.

The outburst from this argument led me to research where these isolated incidents were escalating from. One of the leading authorities about relationships is social psychologist Richard Slatcher.

Richard is a professor of psychology at the University of Georgia. Both he and his colleagues have collated data behind the psychology of family relationships and couples during this COVID pandemic.

They have been collecting data since March 2020 to see the effects of social isolation in their project called “Love in the time of COVID”

https://loveinthetimeofcovid.me/blog

Richard says, “we are only scratching the surface of findings in terms of how social distancing has affected people.”

His team has been paying attention to see how the behaviour and values of couples have changed since being in isolation. The study focuses primarily on whether the pandemic made couples better connected or pushed them further apart.

They found that 50% of couples who were already happy in their relationship, discovered that they were more socially connected than they did before the pandemic.

Those that were not happy in their relationship before the lockdown were finding it more difficult than before. They also experienced high levels of depressive symptoms and about 70% of those in unhappy relationships, was feeling more socially disconnected from their partners.

They asked couples to complete a survey to determine how to find solutions during the lockdown. The results of the data are available on the website via blog posts that explain their findings.

Richard is quick to add that this collection of data is just the first wave of information. If further isolation continues, then it will produce detailed or different results over longer periods.  

Oranges and Lemons

Back to oranges. I know my wife was right about the way I shop for things. In all honesty, regarding what she said, she made perfect sense. She told me not to buy any more oranges until we finished the first bag we had. It wasn’t ‘what’ she said, it was the ‘way’ she said it.

But I kept asking myself, “What’s this argument really about?”

I won’t say anything mushy here like ‘arguments strengthen us’ because that doesn’t sum up our relationship. We were already a powerful couple.

My wife is no ogre. She is a powerful woman with a powerful personality. She has sketches of being the ancient goddess ‘kali’, (wild and the definition of crazy) but she is also the ancient goddess ‘Sekhmet’ (the protector and destroyer of things that get in our way), sufficed to say, my wife is amazing.

She will say something incredibly crass and in the next breath, something insightful, metaphysical and supportive. Of course, she has her faults, but doesn’t everyone?

After she finally calmed down from the ‘discussion about oranges’, she melted my heart when she turned around and said,

“Baby, I love you more than this argument”

And for us, that’s what our relationship is all about.

I asked myself this question: Do we love arguing? No. in fact, we both hate it.

I obviously love my wife more than staying in the energy of any argument and prefer to isolate the episode.

We discovered six methods below to get a better perspective and reconnect during tough times.

Gratitude and Support

When you find moments that are a bit stale in your relationship, look for the things that made you connect with them in the first place.

Your partner's mannerisms may have changed since you met, however looking at the things that first attracted you about them, may prove refreshing.

Self-Care

These times have stopped or delayed many things that we used to do. One thing that you should maintain is self-care. Get dressed in the mornings, make the bed, maintain better standards and of course better hygiene.

This is beneficial for your relationship by making you attractive to your partner. Letting yourself go is letting your partner know that you stopped trying.

Binge-Watch Netflix

One of the best solutions doesn’t involve any physical movement other than reaching for a spoon to eat your cookie dough ice cream.

Whatever food you choose, when you binge-watch your favourite TV series together it builds the connection to have a conversation afterwards.

Make Stress Your Friend

Talking about your problems or what stresses you out with your partner are great for sharing your emotions. Once you understand how to implement stress-related patterns, we can change the way we think about stress.

According to Kelly McGonigal in her book, “The Upside of Stress”

https://www.amazon.com/Upside-Stress-Why-Good-You/dp/1101982934

she welcomes making stress your friend as a motivator for change.

Lower your Expectations

Most of the time we expect our relationship to be everything to us all of the time. According to Eli Finkle, we should value the small things that we get from our partners as he mentions in his book, “The All or Nothing Marriage”

https://www.amazon.com/All-Nothing-Marriage-Best-Marriages/dp/052595516X

Our lives demand so much of our attention and it is unfair to expect an all or nothing relationship. We should seek to lower our expectations and focus on a sustainable connection rather than fulfilling our personal demands first.

Teamwork

Doing simple activities together like going for a walk is not only healthy, it shows continued support in your relationship. If you can’t go outside due to the pandemic restrictions, doing the laundry together as in helping each other hang the clothes shows support and teamwork.

Even washing the dishes is a small example of working together. One washes while the other dries will illustrate unity.

My Final View

Whenever my wife and I argue, I always think about the reason why I married her in the first place.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, I honestly think my marriage is an anointing of what I need in my life. My wife isn’t willing to let me forget that I have a strong woman by my side.

I wanted a Queen…Check.

Someone that was my companion…double check

I realised that this argument had nothing to do with oranges. My wife was just upset that money had become tight due to COVID-19. We had discussed that we need to live on a budget only days before our argument and it frustrated both of us.

We have been through a rollercoaster of emotions during the pandemic, and that’s not likely to end if more lockdowns are in place.

Just to show you my wife’s warped sense of humour, though, she still mentions the Orange saga now and again. Even when we are laughing at something completely unrelated to fruit, she brings up the subject of oranges.

It doesn’t bother me…much.

I can’t say there won’t be another argument on the scale of ‘The Orange gate’ scandal, because next week it could be about grapes, who knows.

Since my research on how to survive cabin fever during a lockdown, we both realised that we need more patience with each other.

It’s a simple case of getting on with it because life isn’t all roses. As far as judging how other successful relationships go,

We can’t compare apples with oranges, now can we.